I haven’t been here for ages. I had intended to write regular updates, but things got in the way. I have excuses.
Firstly, fatigue. Oh, fatigue. The kids were home over the summer and all my energy went into spending time with them, even if it was just lolling on the sofa watching Gilmore Girls. We didn’t do much. I sat on the beach a few times while the family swam. We ate out a couple of times – lunch is much better than dinner for me.
Secondly, I’ve been doing a lot of emotional work. I am accepting that I have a chronic illness. I am impaired. That’s been tough – I have soldiered on through a lot of crap – chemo, multiple surgeries, various medications. I’ve always bounced back eventually. (Not always much of a bounce – think time expired tennis ball rather than bright india-rubber) but the bounces have got me there. During the treatment break I had last year we did so much, we had so much fun, we walked a lot, we ate EVERYTHING. It was great. But now? I don’t see myself bouncing back from this. I have definite lung impairment thanks to secondaries. That means I get breathless easily on exertion. It means I get really breathless when I talk (and I love talking). It means I have this scarily hacking cough. It also means that I’ve become a bit anxious about seeing people, especially people I don’t know. It’s embarrassing to suddenly start barking instead of talking. It’s embarrassing to have to leave the room because you’re coughing so much you can’t stop. The cough varies a lot, it’s unpredictable. Nothing seems to make a huge amount of difference. It is silencing me.
I feel like so much is being taken. I can’t drive (2 years off driving thanks to brain secondaries). I certainly can’t casually walk 10km the way I could a year ago. I struggle to have conversations with people. I haven’t written anything for weeks – the words just aren’t there. It’s hard.
I’m hoping that I can make this adjustment. That I can learn to manage this, find new ways to fill my cup. I’m still hoping, so that’s good. Hope is still there.
fantasticmetastaticme 
Many thanks for these words and I’m hoping along with you xx
Thank you xx
It is a big adjustment, Sarah. The coughing must be especially hard. And exhausting. I live a quite limited life physically with chronic fatigue and other ailments, so I know the limitations. But there is still the beauty of the natural world – and wonder. And online for connections. And hope, as you say. I am much older, so it is easier to keep a turtle-ish pace. Smiles. The new normal. I always love reading you. I have both your books and they are wonderful. I especially love the cover of the second one.