The kindness of strangers.

I kind of feel bad writing this post – and maybe I’m writing it to work out why I feel so bad? Maybe that will become clear as we go on? Let’s see, shall we?

OK.

I went for my pre-treatment chat on Thursday. It was a little bit disappointing because the Very Important blood tests that will actually determine whether I can start the planned chemo or not had not come through yet. So I’m getting ready for one thing, but when I ring tomorrow I may find the plan has changed. This is a little disconcerting. I’m all for freestyling in most things (yes, add a little basil, why not? Oh, let’s check this pub out – looks nice! I wonder what happens if you turn left here?), I’m not mad keen on last minute lurches in my treatment plan. Anyhow, we discussed in detail the side effects and the logistics of the tablets that I will probably be starting on Monday. Almost certainly will be starting on Monday.

Just as a side note – these are the tablets that nearly killed me two years ago. Quite literally nearly killed me. So, as you can imagine, I have slightly mixed feelings about them. And I don’t feel quite so confident as the chemo nurse that these blood tests are going to come back saying “go”.

Anyway, I’ve moved to a new chemo unit, which is nearer home (yay!) and brand new (yay!). My first lot of chemo basically happened in a pretty grotty repurposed hospital ward. My second was lot was one and a half hours away (they closed the place that was 45 minutes away part way through). I guess the advantage of living in the countryside is that at least it’s a pretty drive…

The staff are very nice. The unit is very nice. People keep offering tea and coffee. Parking is free for oncology patients – that’s very nice. The chemo nurse is very nice. You get the idea.

And part of this general niceness is that I got a goodie bag.And obviously, that’s very nice. Except that I feel inexplicably annoyed about it.

I did get a chemo box at the start of my first chemo. It was from a friend at work. I was really touched – she’d gone out and thought about me, and thought about chemo, and she’d bought stuff. Just little things – tissues, and sucky sweets, and something to read, and socks, maybe? It’s a long time ago. She did it because a friend of her’s had been given one, and she wanted to do something nice for me. And after that, I did it for a couple of friends, and they really appreciated it. And I think they possibly went on and did it for other people. It was like a chain of love going round the country.

This box was massive. It had loads of stuff in it – sucky sweets, and mouth-care mints, and socks (Seasalt, very nice, thank you), and a woolly hat and a colouring book, and just loads of stuff. In a branded box, from a charity called ChemoHero. So why does it irritate me so much?

I think it’s because it’s just stuff. I’m sure the people raising money to do this, and getting the actual stuff, and packing it so carefully, are doing it for amazing reasons. Maybe they’re “giving back”, or they’ve had a loved one going through this. Maybe they’re just caring people. I don’t know. I’m sure the love goes in, but somehow, it didn’t come out. Also, the hat is just not me. It’s generic caring.

I think this might be a “me” thing. Do I sound really ungrateful? I feel like I’m being really ungrateful. I just don’t want this. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be in the chemo club. I don’t want to be another person on the conveyor belt.

I’d quite like to cry, but I can’t seem to be able to. I’m wasting my last few days pre-chemo feeling cross and miserable and full of dread. I’m scared the tablets will make me ill again, even though it’s going to be a lower dose, and we’re forewarned, and I won’t try to tough it out, and I’ll make much more fuss if’ somebody tries to reassure me. It’s not just that big illness stuff, though. I keep saying “I’ve been so well!”, but actually, I’ve just felt normal. No mild queasiness. No altered taste. No fatigue (until the last couple of weeks). Normal is pretty wonderful, in fact. Appreciate it!

I’m going to try and write here more regularly.