I had my review with my oncologist this week. Nobody seemed massively enthusiastic about me re-starting capecitabine, after my near death experience with it. We’ve put it on hold for the moment, in the knowledge that it worked on the mets, but that we’d need to use it at a much lower dose – and even then there would be risks.
Instead I’m going on to docetaxel. The upside is I’ve had it before (neoadjuvant chemo way back at the start of all this) and it did the job. The downside is my venous access is stuffed by years of injections and infusions, and docetaxel is an intravenous drug. That means I’m going down to Exeter on Thursday to have a line put in. It’s not ideal, but what is? There are no good choices here.
I’ve been thinking a lot about choosing. I’ve written about it here: https://thecureforsleep.com/the-cure-for-sleep-june/#SarahConnor on Tanya Shadrick’s wonderful Substack project. Even though all the choices are a bit rubbish I find it really helpful to remind myself that I am making choices. I’m making them based on information, on experience, on my hopes for the future, on the responsibilities I have as a partner and parent. They are complex decisions, but they are my decisions. I didn’t choose to be here, I don’t have a whole lot of control over some pretty big stuff, but I can have some agency here – even if it’s just to choose to enjoy this cup of coffee, or this view, or which book to download, or which shitty medication to take.
Oh, and if anyone has any tips on docetaxel, do let me know. The side effect list is the usual horror show.
Wishing you all the best Sarah x
You’re in my thoughts, Sarah ❤
Thank you, Ben. Im rubbish at replying to comments but I do appreciate them!
Setting aside for a moment the gruelling treatment and its effects on you, this is a positive post about choices – a reminder to us all that choices are not always vast but rather that taking control might just mean the devil and the deep blue sea option.
Wishing you strength and courage and healing!
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It sounds like the wisest choice of those available, none of which sound as good as one would like. The line will make for less painful access, at least. I love your positivity about choices – to enjoy what is. Wishing you strength through the coming days, which I can tell you already have.